Monday, October 28, 2013

Insert shamelessly pandering blog title here


I came across this post in the interwebs this week about an e-book author who is pulling in $13,500 a month in royalties for her book. In my limited knowledge of e-booking and self-publishing, that seemed to be an unusually high sum of money for a self-published e-book. 

I've lately been frustrated by the inordinate amounts of time I spend writing things that aren't very stimulating to me in order to help pay the bills. I didn't quit my job in order to pursue another career as a freelancer -- I left in order to focus on my kids and the freelancing is a necessity in order to make ends meet. But it's hard not to feel like I shouldn't be doing more (or at least making a little more for what I do) so many days I feel like I'm attempting to build a skyscraper using grains of sand.* 

Judging from the post, this e-book writer is a hard-working mom whose family was hit hard by the recession and decided she was going to channel her frustrations by writing a book based on some ideas she had floating around her head. 

Well, I can certainly relate to that. 

Then I read the name of her book:


"The Power of the Pussy" -- a "controversial dating advice book for women" that contains some "very sexually explicit" content. 

According to the description on Amazon.com, by reading this book I will learn "valuable lessons" that will teach me how to: 

  • Flip the switch in your female brain, so you can beat men at their own game...
  • Have men lining up to date you and desperate for your attention... 
  • Heal from a broken heart and never be sad over a man again!
  • Become the type of woman that commands respect from men...
  • Get the proposal, the ring, and the man of your dreams!
So I haven't read the book. Given its success I have to imagine it contains useful advice that have enabled many, many woman to get the proposal, the ring and the man of their dreams.

But after reading the post I ranted to Brad about it. I doubt I will ever make $13,500 a month in royalties for anything I write ... not necessarily because I'm a terrible writer or anything but because the subject matters I tend to write about aren't all that sexy in a "Power of the Pussy" sort of way. 

That is to say, I'm all but certain I will never write or attempt to publish a book that has an equally as scintillating, eye-ball grabbing, SEO-friendly title. 

So Brad suggested I write a book called "Pussy (And Other Things I Know Nothing About)" in which I shared about my general lack of wiles, feminine and otherwise. It would probably not be the book that people searching for p-word*** related literature are looking for, however, it might be the book that people who felt they needed to read "Power of the Pussy" would relate to more.

Then tonight as I admired my evening loungeware, I came up with a sequel to my as-yet-unwritten collection of essays about frumpitude and dishelvement: 

"50 Shades of Blue: Dressing for the Man You Have" ****


I hid behind my cell phone so as to cover up
the redness from my freshly waxed upper lip --
the world can only handle so much hotness.
For those of you keeping track -- that's a striped blue T-shirt shirt I'm wearing under a two-tone blue hoodie along with blue dog-and-cat-hair-covered fleece pajama pants and blue striped socks. 

I feel compelled to note that I did not leave the house in this ensemble. Wait. That's not quite true. I did leave the house wearing this outfit with a pair of blue jeans in place of the fleece star pants -- but they were my good jeans!

Sigh. There's no hope. 

Go on without me world (and savvy e-book publishers). 

*OK, maybe there's a better analogy in there somewhere ... maybe if I were creative enough to come up with that analogy I'd be building skyscrapers with, you know, cinderblocks and steel beams and shit** instead of sand grains. 
**Not actual shit. That'd be gross. 
*** Not sure why I didn't write out the p-word there again. Actually I do know. I detest that word. It's totally creepy to me in the same way "moist" and "supple" are totally creepy and I already felt like I'd used it too many times.
****I'm sorry it's come to this Brad. 

5 comments:

  1. DID YOU HAVE TO SAY "MOIST?" Really???

    I was prepared to pay you all the money I make freelancing for any book you wrote 'til you dropped the big M.

    Oh, wait, that wasn't going to get either of us very far.

    Says the woman in yoga pants and a fleece hoodie.

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  2. LOL! Sorry I dropped the "M" bomb. Other words I left out include "nipple" and "panties." Maybe if embraced those words I'd be more successful in life.

    As for you, I have no doubts in your abilities to one day be my wealth benefactress. You got mad skillz.

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  3. Your damn straight you would be more successful if you embraced those words, especially if they were prefaced by the "M" bomb. Listen to any hip hop song and that is quite clear...my current favorite being "Gorilla" by Bruno Mars....read them here, if you like- http://www.metrolyrics.com/gorilla-lyrics-bruno-mars.html

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  4. If your writing gift is like a farm, you could make lots of money by operating a factory-style hog finishing lot. You would, of course, do this by casually inflicting a deprived, painful existence on sensitive and intelligent animals. You would have to decide not to care. It is easier to operate without a conscience, but I don't think you could do that. One look at your girls, and you'd shred your raunchy manuscript. Perhaps, instead, you could self-publish a guide to tasteful frumpitude.

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  5. Jim, as always, you're the voice of civility and reason -- and what a perfect analogy!

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